Friday , April 19 2019
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Rotund Kim’s North Korea Fails Twice With Nuke Test In One Day

Aside from his weight problem and goofy haircut, dictator Kim Jong Un has other problems to worry about these days. Namely, all that money he spends on developing nuclear missiles while his people starve just isn’t paying off.

This past week, the bellicose nation fired off two intermediate range ballistic missiles… and they both failed. This comes ahead of the ruling party congress, and is certain to be upsetting for little Kim.

As usual, these launches violate the U.N. resolution. They were intended to bolster Kim’s image before his Worker’s Party convenes in early May.

According to China, the U.N. is drafting a response to the violation. What purpose or good that does remains unclear. It’s not as if North Korea has ever followed any resolutions to begin with.

Between 6:40 AM and 7:26 PM on Wednesday the 27th of April, the hermit nation attempted to launch two ballistic missiles. Both failed shortly after takeoff. Neither had the ability to reach the lower 48 states.

“Initial indications reveal the tests were not successful,” said Lieutenant Colonel Martin O’Donnell, a STRATCOM spokesman. “They need to succeed but they keep failing. They didn’t have enough time to fix or technically modify the system, but just shot them because they were in a hurry.”

For a country that regularly threatens the U.S. with a doomsday scenario, often citing that they will “baptize (pick your favorite major city) in fire” from a nuclear missile, it’s pretty hard to even believe them when they still can’t manage to get their missiles to fly for more than a few seconds.

Perhaps what it comes down to is that this is rocket science, not dictatorship lessons. The travesty of it all is that an entire nation of people is starving, shackled to some of the strictest laws in the world and castigated from the rest of humanity at the doings of a man who fashions himself a nearly “supreme being.”

It seems that the only thing Kim is really good it as running his mouth and making promises and threats he can’t ever hope to keep. He’d be better served by discarding his failed nuclear program, inviting in U.N. inspectors, easing sanctions and feeding his starving populous.

Now that’d be something that’d certainly fly with the rest of the world, unlike Kim’s defective missiles.

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