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Fifty Shades Of Grey Sparks Some Questions That Need Answering

Did Fifty Shades of Grey just open the relationship Pandora’s Box?

For the last three years, I’ve been hearing all this fuss from women about Fifty Shades of Grey.

Have you read the book or are you going to the movie? I’ve never read it and have no intention of going to the movie, although it may not be a bad idea for single guys to hang out there.

I’ve wondered what it says about men when all women can talk about is this book that’s apparently a cross between a trashy romance novel and extreme sexual practices of bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism—topics I admit I know nothing about.

And I’m sure that most of the women intrigued by the book, although curious about the topic, have no interest of going down that path either.

But it obviously says something about women and men and relationships and what’s going on in our country that it’s become such an undeniable phenomena. I’ve always assumed it was the combination of the wussification of American men of not knowing how to take charge like women expect or of men who care little about the woman they date and treat them poorly.

I figured I would turn to a national dating strategist Damona Hoffman at to get some answers for us men who are clueless about this.

“I think the phenomenon is a product of changing gender roles in our society and something I talk about a lot,” Hoffman says. “Technology is really writing the rules of chivalry right now. It’s leaving a lot of people very confused about how they need to present themselves in a relationship, who’s wearing the pants, who’s supposed to make the first move and how to move the relationship forward, and ultimately who holds the power on the relationship.”

Hoffman says the reason why so many women are gravitating towards this book is that it plays into these fantasies of “the feminine to be able to give themselves up completely to the masculine and let go of control.” She says it’s confusing to women in positions of power, and this book taps into the fantasy of what male domination and male power used to be. Women are attracted to a rich and powerful man as portrayed in the book.

“I’m hearing more and more from my [female] clients that they don’t want to do anything in the relationship,” Hoffman says. “I just want the guy to come up and knock on my door and sweep me off my feet and tell me where we’re going to eat for dinner and tell me what time he’s going to be here. I don’t want to think about anything. Fifty Shades of Grey is tapping into that gender role challenge that a lot of women are facing.”

Hoffman says women are working longer hours than ever and are getting burned out. They are overwhelmed by technology and losing touch with their feminine traits of being able to flirt and be vulnerable and demur—qualifies that have long attracted men. With online dating and the ability of women to reach out to men they’re interesting in is changing the rules.

“It’s leaving women confused, especially when they have to wear the hat of authority where they spend 75 percent of their week,” Hoffman says. “They don’t know their feminist place.”

As for the book and movie that will portray it, Hoffman says it’s not unfair to call it soft care pornography but jokes how women won’t watch porn but will “read the heck out of it.” READ MORE HERE:

Hoffman says men get the wrong impression from the book, thinking it’s all about extreme sex. She says men need to recognize a sexual part of a women that needs to be tapped and how they’re living out vicariously through this book, but it doesn’t mean they want to be tied up and ball gagged.

“They don’t in most cases want something that extreme but they want that feeling of being chosen and selected as the special one and having a deep connection with a man where they can trust and give themselves over to them and know that they will be OK,” Hoffman says. “I think man will read it and think (it’s about extreme sex) and for women they see more the connection of giving up control to a man.”

Hoffman says a lot of women feel that men are getting “a little too soft and they’re giving up too much of the masculine role that women crave.” They not only crave it but they expect it from watching the Disney movies, she says.

“Prince Charming is supposed to ride in on his horse and he’s supposed to take care of everything and you’re supposed to just be able to trust him and go off with him and you’re life is going to be perfect,” Hoffman says. “A lot of women are realizing that they have been sold a lie. It’s not true in our society anymore and because of that men have adjusted their behavior because they are finding that women don’t respond to being pushed around and males who are chauvinistic and are too controlling.”

Hoffman jokes that men should go the theater and can have their pick of women if you say something sensitive. Many single events are being created around the movie, she says.

Hoffman says what’s happening shows how important it is for men to listen and to support a woman in a way they want to be supported. You need to make her feel like she’s the only girl in the room and allow her the chance to tell you and show you what she really wants, she says.

“I don’t think men are the problem,” Hoffman says. “I think women have sent mixed messages and left men confused because no one says what they think and we all operate on assumptions. We do this dance where we move left and assume the other person is going to move right. We react and on assumption rather than the reality. I don’t blame men in this. Men could be more clear and more communicative and adaptive to what’s happening.”

Communication is not something us men do well when it comes to women, but we’re definitely falling down on understanding what women want. READ MORE HERE:



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